Nothing but pain

Today is Adam's birthday. How could I forget? I'd even sent him a signet as a birthday gift. He was the guy that I'd crushed on for years. The feeling had stopped at the day I saw him the last time. He grew long hair and changed a bit after discharging from the military. I didn't know if he knew I liked him. But I was sure that he was not fond of me at all. I finally realized that there's no connection between us. My affection was vapored at the fraction of a second. A couple years ago, I accidentally knew he'd become a marry man through the computer data. It's so hard to imagine he plays the role of some woman's husband. It doesn't matter anymore. However, I regret that I've wasted so many years on carrying a torch, he and some other guys. I was completely a fool from start to finish. What have I got? Nothing but pain.

Sweet talk

This woman, who is a new comer and sitting in the front of me, was wearing the same clothes every day. I noticed that from the first day she came. I thought I saw it wrong but she did the same thing on the second and the third day. But now I'm sure that she hadn't changed her sweater, which is not a heavy one, for four days. Only when I don't go home, do I wear the same clothes the next day. As far as I'm concerned, it's kind of embarrassment wearing exactly the same clothes even only for two days. It's like wearing an uniform but actually it's not. Maybe she has several pieces therefore she can wear a clean one each day. Another strange thing is that there are four men in this room. But mostly I could only hear one or two person's voices, the rest of them are wordless. It's so quiet to the point where I hardly could feel their existence. I can't hear them speaking or answering cellphones or making noises. They're just sitting there and doing their job quietly. And it's not a job for men in my opinion. How weired it is. I mean, they are guys not girls. Oridinary people don't seem behave like that. On the other hand, I asked D which one looked old, her mother or me? She said none of us. Then I said what made her talk so sweetly? She said because I treated her a sweet cookie that's why. What a lovely lovely girl she was!

Cozy

Strictly speaking, the things we used to sit in the living is not a sofa, but wooden chairs, which are cold in winter and cool in summer. I honestly don't think them cozy at all, they hurt my butt sometimes. Most unbelievably, we'd spent decades on those stiff benches, and thought we might spent our lives on them forever. We weren't living in a park, where has no cozy chair at all. Only when I own sofas, do I know what really coziness is. It's like a dream come true. They make no difference from the outside, but make me feel good in the inside. Sofas mean heaven or a seat that makes me feel like heaven.

Furniture delivery

This guy made an almost perfect impression on me till he didn't keep his promise that he should have called me around six. What's wrong with the youngsters in this day in age. Punctuality seems like a term of the last century. Nobody gives it a damn nowadays. Is it some kind of trendy or what? I was stood up last night, now the guy did again. I was a bit surprised because I thought he wouldn't have done that to the customers. And he shouldn't. There's nothing I could say especially he had good reasons. Anyway, the furniture delivered about forty five minutes late, and had been assembled for one hour. Despite being a skinny boy, he carried all pieces almost by himself. He told me that he'd been worked at a gas shop for eight years. Wow, that's quite a long time. Also, it's hard to imagine a tall and good-looking guy like him carrying a barrel of gas. No wonder he had no trouble to carry heavy stuff. But I still didn't understand why he's apt to do laborious jobs. I tried not to ask something too personal, but still questioned him if he would be staying in the furniture shop for some time. He thew the question to me at once. I said it's the place that he could learn something from his work. Didn't know if he could understand what I meant...

BBS gig

I don't mean the gig was bad, but, honestly, I want my money back. Although standing at the great view of the venue, I didn't feel high at all. The main cause was I still couldn't hear the sounds clearly, as usual. I didn't understand why the problems hadn't been solved during the years. I mean all I could hear from the speakers were the instruments. Where had all the voices gone? On the other hand, why there must be a herd of smokers when it comes to an indoor gig. And why nine out of ten of gigs mustn't be punctual? Being late thirty minutes is a usual practice. Tonight was no exception. Then I couldn't help but ask, was I the only one who cared about time? I left around ten forty and noticed that nobody did the same thing. I was feeling tired and my feet was killing me to be honest. Didn't they all have vehicles of their own? Didn't they need to work or go to school the next day? Maybe some of them wanted to leave but the band wouldn't let them. Or they were too shy to move, or they could call the next day off. As far as I'm concerned, it's a nightmare that I had to walk twenty five minutes from the MRT station to home, before that it took me at least fifteen minutes from the venue to the station. I was exhausted, totally.

Sofas

I guessed I wanted to make sure something, so I went to the furniture store once again tonight. It turned out that, besides the two pieces that I'd ordered a week ago, I added a single sofa and a tea table this time. I like sofas, and hate not enough chairs in the living room when guests visit. Even not for them, I enjoy sitting or lying leisurely. Or sitting in a small one and reading a book in my bedroom. Believe it or not, I feel happy even though just watching them. Therefore, I must seize the only chance of the life time to buy two fine pieces. Honestly, it's not easy to find the real thing. I mean there are not very many choices due to the limit of the width of the door. Luckily, I found these two sofas were perfectly match to each other, and the tea table as well. By the way, unknowingly, I've spent thirty thousand dollars already for the furniture.

Search

Do not think that I couldn't buy anything at home even though there's no any paper catalogue at hand. Come on! It's an Internet world. It goes without saying that we can buy almost everything online, legal or illegal. For some people, it's even better than real shopping. Because it's convenient, cheap and full of surprises sometimes. The only drawback of it is taking too much time on searching. On second thoughts, it's also the fun of the online shopping. With being fond of wallets, which were too expensive to afford, that I saw at the department store yesterday, I kept searching for the similar style from some sellers. Also, I was searching for appliances such as a refrigerator, small oven, water boiler and so on.

Window shopping

So we were doing the window shopping because one of us didn't have extra money to buy, the other of us hadn't got a job so far. We were too poor to afford anything in the department store. I admitted that I had a whim to buy some thing that looked not cheap. I didn't let it happen due to the reason that I was going to buy something expensive for my new decorated house. And I always have to face the fact that I don't have a steady job, therefore I must learn how to survive the life with little money. It's so sad that it seems that there's no way I can do to improve the situation. No matter how old I am, no matter what kind of job I do. I appreciate that the current life style still remains a certain level, though.

The bad attitude

The 307 bus driver who didn't stop as I waved, the post office lady who was reluctant to explain the procedure of transfer my certificate of deposit, the manage who talked me impatiently all the while, those were the people who were not very kind to me. But, I just didn't care at all. They probably did it unconsciously. And I've developed tolerance for this sorts of things. All of a sudden, I had a feeling that I was not depressed about meanness. Moreover, I'm not afraid of facing the bad attitude. It comes no stranger that people don't like me at the first sight. I usually can tell, particularly males, from their expressions. Although it's not what I deserve, I don't blame them. I feel sorry for them sometimes. Maybe I was a little fragile to tackle with it, but not anymore.

The life it should be

Even seldom speaking in the daytime, I still don't feel like talking after coming home. Half of the furniture had gone, the family left, and the living room was still a mess. Due to some reason, the new sofa I ordered hadn't been delivered. I was still using the half side of the house. From now on, I was unable to see Daisy. I admitted that I somewhat missed her. Although the voices could be heard from the next door, we saw each other no more. It's the life it should be. I just let everything return what it was. Quietness and loneliness, were two things that I possess at the moment.

Occupational injury

My right hand really hurt. It happened at the moment when I did the work of stapling a few documents this morning. I wondered why the hurt came from inside for I didn't overuse my hand lately. Then I thought about it for a while, and finally realized that it's still the work that caused this occupational injury. I've pulled out the staples of the documents and numbered them for almost two weeks. My muscles were not injured until I used the staple with my strength. I felt hurt at first, and powerless afterwards. How I wish the left hand could be flexible as the right one. Instead of telling the manager that I couldn't do the work, I was suffering the pain till lunch break. It should be all right after an hour rest. I enjoyed the time by myself, as usual. Pretending there's nothing strange, I was back to work. The big staple was changed to a small one. I tried to use my left hand to press with the right hand, which felt less pain immediately. My personal crisis was temporarily dissolved.

The second fine day

This is the second fine day of this week. Cold, windy and sunny, especially the street trees, remind me of the winter of Japan. It's a perfect day for taking a walk. Everyone should go outside and enjoy the weather even in the short lunch break. Taking a walk in the streets or having lunch in the park, a little cold mixes a little warm, let the sunshine shines on our body. It's how I make good use of the noon time. I walked different directions, and explored new buildings and shops every day. I'm quite familiar with this aera because the company I used to work is not very far from here. By the way, I might be a chief of the department if I hadn't left the company. Nevertheless, the company had moved to another place. It's impossible for me to continue working in that faraway area,

Pity

Though having decided not to talk to him, I couldn't stop thinking of him. I don't mean I miss him, thanks to him that I'm able to graduate from his academy during his disappearance. It's the way he treated me, blunt, outspoken, straightforward and rude sometimes. Though he wanted to show his care or a sense of humor, I often misread them as negative meanings. He should have been a decent guy, and got married and had a happy family, not goofing around all the time. I really pity him. Maybe I should treat him in alternative way, and not take his words too seriously. I know he wishes that I can buy a bicycle to let him take advantage of it. He could come to my place from time to time if he had one. The question is I'm not supposed to be the one who offers the equipment. I told him, which is true, that there's least chance to own one once again, for I've lost two in two years.

Weirder

How unlucky I am to meet a weirdo like him? It feels like we're a chicken and a duck talking in different languages. He didn't seem to be able to catch my meaning, neither did I. The more I heard, the less I liked him. In fact, I'm over him, almost. This is not the first time that he makes me want to hang up the phone. I couldn't do it each time, whereas he promptly ends up the conversation from time to time. He's even weirder than before. So weird to the point where I've made my mind not to answer his call next time. Maybe it's the way he treats his friends. Sadly enough, I've not been accustomed to it so far. I tried to be nice to him but somehow the atmosphere isn't right. And I just don't care anymore. All I have to do is to pull out the phone line as the phone rings next time. I wish I could exactly do it .

Bargain

Although I didn't intend to ask F to bargain the furniture for me, she did it spontaneously. And I decided to buy the sofa and two closets not because the salesclerk was cute but because I'd been tired of looking for. I even didn't plan to ask her out today if not for a loan. In fact, I'd been trying to ward off seeing her since the time I told her the secret that I kept in my heart. She obviously didn't know the other side of me. I regretted letting her be aware of that even though she's one of my closed friends. I perfectly know she tried everything in the book to help me especially after I lost my job. Needless to say that I owed her a big favor again. Buying her a dinner seemed a good way to reward, but she paid the bills for all the food we ate today. I thought she's lucky not only she has a fine job but a stable life. Even she said her life seemed to have no change during the decades. She seems to have nothing to be worried about. But that's her life, not mine.

Not graceful

It's the end of Feburary. It comes no surprise that the manager told me that I was not qualified for the work and had to go. As a matter of fact, I was ready for being asked to leave anytime. But I wouldn't quit voluntarily unless there's a better one waiting for me. I won't blame the manager or the company because I know I'm the kind who is alway unable to do things well. It sounds unbelievable but it's ture. I hate bringing trouble to somebody else. Generally, I will quit before they ask me to. But this time I won't. It seems that I've developed some courage to take nagative things. Scolding, humiliation, embarrassment, those kinds of things. I'm not saying that I've got used to it. It's just that I have to be put up with it no matter I like it or not. Because it's who I am. Not very graceful though.

Transpotation charge

Buying furniture is a whole new experience to me. I'm not saying that I've never bought any piece before, but it's my first time buying a sofa, a closet and perhaps a couple of cabinets. Plus a refrigerator, though it can't be considered to be furniture. As a matter of fact, I need more than those. But let me begin with the big ones. Due to limit of budget, I can't afford things too expensive or luxurious. Therefore, shopping online is an alternative without doubt. The items sometimes are much cheaper than selling in real shops. The only concern is that the real product can be viewed in advance unless I go to somewhere to see the exactly same thing purposely. I've been thinking about IKEA, however, would give it up because of the high and unreasonable transportation charge. So, as far as I'm concerned, transportation charge is the real concern when I buy furniture.

Blunders

One of the causes that I don't like to work is that I'm afraid of facing my carelessness. It's so unlike me. I mean I seem a careful person, but why I'm prone to make blunders on work all the time. Unfortunately, this shortcoming is easily shown at the beginning of a new work. And the worst of all, I can not change it, as much as I want to. Though I seem to be able to improve over time. Sometimes it's not allowed to make mistakes over and over again. That's how I was ruining my work. It explains why I've never succeeded. It's not that I feel embarrassment no more, it's just that I've lost my bearings. I've even prepared for the worse that I'll face the fact of being fired. Maybe I should try other types of jobs. Quitting doing paper work, offering services for aged people instead.

No more

I've come to realize that, to me, guys are like some kind of food, I can eat it but can't be addicted to it. So I eat as long as I have the chance, meanwhile, I feel fine when I'm with myself. It's not all good about it. I mean I should think the dark side of relationships. My heart has been broken over and over again, not to mention how many tears have flowed from my eyes. Now I've finally learned my lesson. I can deal with the situation properly. Taking words seriously no more. Waiting for someone no more. Tossing and turning at night no more. Though, in a way, I'm still fond of them. In the meantime, I enjoy the life of my own. Since my life is not designed for that. Why should I impose myself on something that I doesn't belong to? I feel I less need them now.

Working and thinking

The beauty of this work is I neither have to know nor socialise with anyone else. The manager could answer almost questions. Everybody keeps their mouths shut and work. In this time, I can think of everything I like. The syllables of my favorite songs, even having no iPod, I can hear the music playing in my head, familiar and clear. "Bight Eyes" and some Foo Fighters' songs. Also the invisible boys, always hiding their faces, keeping teasing me and never appear. It draws down on me that I can't have a normal relationship like everyone else. Because there's no such thing called "relationship" in my life. I truly feel enough for that. Alternatively, I can think how many pieces of furniture that I'm going to buy. Needless to say, that's the motive of earning money at the moment.